MY FIRST DAY OUT

Imagine feeling as if suddenly everything at one instant made perfect sense in the world. Suddenly everything was right and every answer was given. That's what it feels like when you realize that you're gay. "Coming out" is another matter all together -- that anxiety is unexplainable, but the exhilaration of knowing (or defining) who you are when you've been walking around without clarity -- it's like you have a new lease on life! At least that's what it felt like for me.

I was fortunate that I didn't really all that traumatic a sexual revolution when I was younger. I followed the rules and dated girls, built the usual relationships and the typical exploration. I went through the motions of what was expected of me and if I had a wayward thought, I'd file it away and mull it over on my own. I had very healthy and wonderful friendships growing up -- people who really knew me and respected and enjoyed the uniqueness of who I was as an adolescent. I really never felt the pressure of having to belong to any click or social group and instead chose to mingle with everyone. The pressures of belonging came much later in life (save for another day), but in the beginning -- I didn't have any internal conflicts. Which is why the first time I "touched" another man in an intimate way it didn't feel foreign; it didn't feel wrong.

God had turned down the contrast in order to make everything sharper...

And the day I was able to correlate the two: the physical with the emotional -- what was happening to my body and what I was seeing in my head, it was as if someone was waiting for me at the end of a long tunnel ready to introduce me to the world. I could remember the world around me becoming brighter as if God had turned down the contrast in order to make everything sharper...and I remember laughing. I laughed at the absurdity of my plight. You spend some time thinking about "what's wrong with you" and when you equate that to a three-letter, one syllable word that is meant to define you -- you have to admit, it's very funny! You think that you're whole life will end because you are g-a-y.

I didn't. I thought suddenly, my whole life was about to begin.

Don't think for a second I didn't have a comprehension that this wasn't going to be a difficult path to follow. I knew I would have my share of challenges. I was a young man, a Latin man, in my late teens and the year was 1990...I had just graduated High School (didn't know what I was going to do with my life) -- and I was still living at home! I was still figuring my life out and my place in the world and decidedly God sends me this curve ball. But I embraced it. I knew that in order to be my genuine self I had to accept the truth, and the truth was: I was gay.

And I was fine with that. After all it means: happy.